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| ugh... so i'm already getting into that mood...
that do i really have to go to class mood? which is an utter shame, because I only have classes 3 days a week, and 1 of which should barely count b/c it's one class, that's 2.5 hrs long, that I really enjoy. It's like stumble-videoing about profound religious stuff for 2.5 hours. 
I don't feel like trying that hard today. I woke up early so that I could start my day, go to the pc lab, drop off the rent check, all before my class at 11:30. And I mean, I still could... I have time... but I'm just not motivated. Would rather feed my addiction to hgtv and continuing googling publishing internships for summer 2010.
I'm quite the planner, I've realized... quite the optimist about the future. So I make all these plans and form ideas about where my life is headed...and I just hope I won't be utterly disappointed. I have an on-going list of the things i want out of life... surprised I haven't posted it up on blogger yet, haha. guys, I got planned steps to advance to my ideal career, I have real estate plans... how long to rent, when and what to buy first... i have this guy I want to marry  ... and we know when we want to start adding more to our family.. our soft-coated wheaton terrier's the first haha... I have these ideas about how I'm going to decorate the first home we buy... and of course, my dream home is always vibrant in my head...
I have these PLANS that seem to guarantee happiness... and yet... so much could fall through so easily.
I'm no doubt excited, but I can't help being scared. I'm terrified of working in the real world, you know? for something important. to not be the intern/new worker that's not expected to know that much, who no one's really counting on, who's replacable.. when I decide to bounce lol. I'm terrified for something real to depend on me... to have people's expectations thrust upon me again.
ayy... I just need to take it slow. To prove myself to me again... to remind me that I can do this...
remind me that I can do this.
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| So I'm back in the bruns for good. well, as "for good" as it ever is when you're a college student. It feels good to be back in a place that I can really call my own. To be able to lay next to my love in OUR bed in OUR room, put my stuff back where it belongs and just do me.
Well, this break was nothing that I had in mind. I guess I was expecting to go back with my $125 spent in bedding and curtains and pillows and fix the shit out of my parents room... give my mom a place of her own, too. But with the fire and the cold... that was just not happening...
So i spent the break bouncing between the hotel room, Movie City, and PJ's house. the travelling alone gave me a headache, the never having a car drove me up the wall... I can't do the living on other peoples' schedules anymore... I went nowhere, I did little, hung out with friends only half as much as expected. Did get to see Joie a lot  that little girl is growing up... so smart.
I never visited Countryside... still didn't visit Gami... didn't spend the time with family that I wanted to....
I lied to people I love, I had a conversation that I never thought I would have to have... one that could have been the end-all of the life we know and love... I hurt people and got hurt back...
But we survived fire, flood, and fights this break... and now i'm back... and it's as if no time has passed. Only on tuesday we're getting a new POTUS, on the next Friday, I'm turning 20, and I have a few hundred dollars more than I started with. and a new guitar . OH! and i have a job this semester. Which will be just enough to help us get by comfortably. Which is a blessing I really need.
Until I have something more interesting to say....
Love always,
Carin
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| Alright, hon, I give you this one. I loved that Train album.
"I am"
"I never been on a railroad, as many times as they pass me by
I never crashed in the desert or seen a rodeo
I don't know much about the world wars or Vietnam
Ive yet to read about uncle tom
Never climbed a real rock or seen Colorado
Am I the son I think I am?
Am I the friend I think I am?
Am I the man I think I wanna be?- hey
I never had a day where money didn't get in my way
I never listened to much Elvis
I cant remember a warm December
Am I the son I think I am?
Am I the friend I think I am?
Am I the man I think I wanna be? - hey
'Cause I'm here for my sanity sanity
I am here for you
Im here for your fantasy sanity, I am here...
Whether or not Im walkin in
Whether or not Im walkin out
Im always here for you"
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| "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along"
You're right. I have changed.
I've changed into "a teenager acting like I'm grown". I'm living on my own already with the love of my life, i spend most of my money on groceries, take-out, rent, and other bills. I may not have an exact plan for my future but I know who I am and where I'm headed, and I know I will always find a way to take care of myself and my family.
And yes, I have multiple families now. It's not just me, nicole, and my mom, and occasionally my father and brother.... it's us, and it's me and pj, it's pj's family, it's my group of friends that are more of a family than i ever imagined friends could be, and my ru crew... who take care of each other, who eat, sleep, and party together... who always look out for each other to make sure we get through this period of our lives in one piece. The balancing of families is probably one of the hardest. Because you love them all, and want to spend time with them all, and with only one of you, with only one of you trying to take care of you, too... it's easy to spread yourself out too thin.
I've changed because I know that I'm always going to disappoint someone.
I've changed because I know that that "someone" can't always be me.
I've stopped believing in resolutions a long time ago because I don't know anyone who ever follow through. However, this year... starting today, I'm focusing on taking care of ME. my "resolution" is to be selfish, to be greedy, to stop trying to take care of everyone else but myself, to choose happiness over "obligation". haha. don't get me wrong, I'm still going to pay my bills, i'll still make sure to do pretty well in my classes, but i'm not making so many damn sacrifices for other people nor will I for other things that aren't that eessential to my happiness and wellbeing and the happiness and wellbeing of the people i love. Because the things that are important to me, the people whose faces light up to see me, the things that make me feel good, the people that make me feel like i'm beautiful, important, and worth my weight in gold... they've gotten the short end of the stick. and that's not what life's about, is it? why fill yourself with negative feelings when there's so much beauty and love out there?
I've found that i've changed into a more optimistic person. my future is brighter because I know that you'll all be in it, with me, every step of the way.
you've changed me. you got me choosing the flaming lips over usher haha... you got me chasing after my own happiness without worrying about who i'm going to impress and who i'm going to disappoint. you've got me buying little things for myself because you remind me that i'm worth a treat every once in a while. you've taught me that i don't always have to be about and doing something because i can find just as much, or more, happiness just sitting around,talking and playing games... being lazy as hell haha. you've help me find happiness is places that before only bred pain. you are my miracle.
but what's the point of this post? everyone changes. that's just what happens when you grow up. you've changed too.
i guess the message I want to put out there is that there's something holding you back, right here, right this minute. there's something you want to do, someone you want to be with, a state of mind you want to be in, a goal you want to accomplish and something is holding you back. the first step is figuring out what is keeping you from getting the things that you want. The second step is overcoming that. The third is not feeling guity about it .
I guess this is not the best advice in the world. you may end up hurting someone you love. it's actually quite likely.
but isn't it good, for once, to stop hurting yourself?
I think the key to happiness is living for happiness.
love you guys.
Happy New Year.
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|  To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894) | | |
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